I’ve somehow misplaced the cable I need to connect my camera to my laptop, so no pictures. Which isn’t as bad as misplacing the sense of what you want to share.
For a long time, I found joy in connecting the dots within this little world of ours and sharing with you. It’s not that this now seems pointless to me, but I feel the urge to share other things. Like the fact that my hands, as I type this, look old and wrinkled. There is a pattern of lines on my skin that I want to draw. It’s been a long long winter. I’m parched. (And yet, these are the same hands that play hide and seek with Top4. She cuddles them and asks them to call her silly names – which they do.)
There are changes that should’ve happened, but didn’t, and there are changes that did happen, but shouldn’t have.
All of us Tops are moving to and fro, to and fro – and as time passes, I am less and less sure where the flow is taking us. It’s not that we’re not happy or content – just not that often. It’s weird to notice that the lives lived around us are so different. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one around connected to the flow. I guess that’s the winter – crisis combo wearing the world down.
I am constantly weighing working on the novel against earning money to pay the bills. For now, I’ve given myself permission to steer away from fulltime work in order to finish the novel. We have some savings. There may come a time when I do not have the luxury to sit in my studio, researching, thinking, writing and rewriting.
I’m at 80% of the first revision round. There will be a short second revision round. Then the manuscript is sent off to my designated reader panel.
After that, who knows?
I want to sit and write and read and paint and go with the flow some more, but I guess that is out of the question. I’ll need to step out of my comfort zone and meet up with people, “market” myself and my work, in search of new stepping stones.
What needs to be done to connect the dots within the outer world is not quite the same as what needs to be done to connect the dots within the inner world. I am not sure what would work best to connect the dots between both worlds.
After I’ve finished this huge project, I’ll go and find out.
I’m happy to know it will be spring time by then.